4 signs you're living a secret life

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Women are uniquely tasked with carefully navigating the way they interact with the people around them.

We aren't to make anyone mad. We can't let anyone down. We mustn’t offend anyone. No hurting someone’s feelings. And don't you dare inconvenience anyone.

These are behaviors and beliefs I see in the majority of my clients, even my most seemingly confident and successful ones. While this may just seem like politeness and good manners at first glance, constantly contorting ourselves to act in a way that doesn't offend not only exhausts us, but it leads us to living secret lives that reflect a slew of "shoulds" (how we should act, look, dress, speak) rather than who we really are and what we truly love.

Our secret lives are the combination of our authentic selves PLUS the extreme labor of suppressing our authentic self to keep up appearances. Secret lives are the places where we keep both our joy and our struggles hidden for fear of judgment, criticism and making others uncomfortable.

If any of this sounds familiar and you're wondering if you too may be living a secret life, here are 4 signs that you just might be.

The 4 signs of living a secret life are:

1. You Slap a Smile on It
2. You Suck It Up
3. You Feel Resentful
4. You Secretly Compare (and Hide Your Despair)

Now, we may experience one (or all) of these 4 signs at different times in our life, which is totally normal. The issue though is when one of these signs is present on a daily, or hourly, basis. If we find that a good number of our interactions involve slapping a smile on it, sucking it up, feeling resentful and/or secretly comparing, it is our job to bravely look at our life and see where we’re not living in alignment with our desires and values.

Now, here’s the thing. Please don’t beat yourselves up for living a secret life. Secret lives have a purpose as often times we've created them as a form of protection. When we slap a smile on it, we don't have to worry about people getting pissed at us. When we suck it up, we maintain our persona as the unflinching go-to girl people can depend on. With resentment comes a sense of self-righteous, which can feel empowering. These secret lives do serve us. They also can confine and suffocate us.

Once we see how we're living secret lives, the question becomes, "What am I willing to give up to get to be me?"

It's a huge inquiry and one that has a different answer depending on where we are in our lives. Sometimes it's just not the right time to break the behaviors of a secret life. And sometimes, whether we're ready or not, once we know and see the ways we've stayed small, silent and safe, there's no going back.

All change begins with taking one small step after another. Start with simply noticing where these 4 signs might be popping up in your life. From there, offer yourself choice. Rather than default to compare and despair, what's another action you could take? Instead of knee-jerking to slapping a smile on it, what’s one honest thing you could say?

If you’d like more guidance around secret lives and how to live more authentically, check out my new workshop, The secret lives of women: perma-smiles, people-pleasing + what it takes to free our authentic selves.

Lastly, be kind and gentle with yourself along this journey as it's the work of a lifetime.

If you enjoyed this post, please keep reading!